As a transformative mediator, I’m always reflecting on how I can create space that supports strength and choice, especially in emotionally charged moments. I'm not there to be in control or comfortable. I’m there to hold space so people can have the conversation they need to have.
Ground rules can be a flashpoint where the desire for order runs up against the need for autonomy and choice. Even with good intentions, pre-set rules can shift the focus from participants’ needs to the mediator’s comfort. What may begin as a push for “respect” can end up limiting voice, eroding trust, and disconnecting people from what matters most. For example, a guideline like “We agree to call each other by our first names, not ‘he’ or ‘she’ or worse” (Mediate.com) may attempt to reduce hostility, but it also redirects the conversation from emotional honesty to rule compliance.
Most traditional mediation starts with familiar expectations: no interrupting, no raised voices, stay respectful. “We will take turns speaking and not interrupting each other” (Berkeley Lab) sounds reasonable, but conflict isn’t always neat. It’s emotional and human. When we police tone or reactions, we risk missing what people are truly trying to express.
Some guidelines even discourage emotion altogether. “Be aware that you may be misunderstanding something if you are extremely emotional about the conflict” (Texas State University) frames emotion as an obstacle, not a part of the process. This can cause people to suppress what they’re feeling instead of sharing it.
It’s also crucial to remember that “respect” is culturally shaped. What feels respectful in one setting may feel dismissive in another:
- Speaking with intensity may show sincerity in one culture, but feel aggressive in another.
- Overlapping or interrupting might show engagement—or be seen as rude.
- Strong emotional expression may be normal in some communities and discouraged in others.
When we impose one narrow idea of “appropriate” communication, especially one shaped by dominant cultural norms, we risk shutting people down. Instead of speaking from the heart, they start performing what they think is acceptable. That’s not resolution. That’s containment.
A Different Approach
Transformative mediators takes another path. Rather than enforcing rules, we ask:
“What do you need in order to have this conversation?”
Instead of arriving with a list or even asking them to generate one, I open space for participants to shape the process themselves.
If that feels too open-ended, I might gently offer an example:
“Some people find it helpful to take short breaks when emotions run high, would that be useful to you?”
Or: “Some people prefer to speak without being interrupted so they feel fully heard, how does that sound?”
If the answer is no, that’s okay. The choice is always theirs.
Sally Ganong Pope offers a similar invitation in Designing Mediation, encouraging shared reflection:
“As I work with you, I might observe some ways of interacting that seem to interfere with you reaching the goals you said you want to accomplish. Would you like me to comment on those if I do observe anything I think could be helpful?”
This kind of framing helps people reflect on their interactions and gives them ownership of the process.
Ultimately, mediation isn’t about managing behavior it’s about returning power to the people in the room. That’s what real empowerment and self-determination look like.
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Resources for quotes above
1) “We agree to call each other by our first names, not “he” or “she” or worse."
2) “Be aware that you may be misunderstanding something if you are extremely emotional about the conflict".
3) “We will take turns speaking and not interrupting each other
“4) As I work with you, I might observe some ways of interacting that seem to interfere with your reaching the goals you said you want to accomplish. Would you like me to comment on those if I do observe anything I think could be helpful? Sally Ganong Pope, in Designing Mediation: Approaches to Training and Practice Within a Transformative Framework Chapter 8.