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Over the years, I’ve designed, facilitated, and sat in more meetings, workshops, and courses than I can count. Almost every one of them started the same way, with a list of ground rules or community agreements intended to help create connection and set expectations.

 

Whether we called it a safe space, brave space, or community agreements, the intention was always the same: to help people feel seen, heard, and respected. And while those intentions matter deeply, I’ve come to see the limits of how we often go about it.

 

Too often, facilitators present a pre-written list and ask the group to agree. People nod, sometimes with sincerity, sometimes just to move things along. But when expectations are handed to a group instead of created with a group, they can become performative rather than relational. Words like “respect” or “active listening” sound good, but without co-ownership, they risk being hollow.

 

When the facilitator sets the rules, power becomes centralized. The facilitator becomes responsible for keeping people in line rather than being in relationship with them. This can work, until conflict arises. Then, instead of nurturing dialogue, the facilitator becomes a referee, and the space tightens, shuts down, or loses trust.

 

So Where Do We Go From Here?

We often talk about choosing between safe spaces (where people feel protected), brave spaces (where people are encouraged to take risks), or accountable spaces (where we are responsible to one another). Each of these emerged for a reason. Each speaks to a deep human need.

 

But what if it’s not about choosing one? What if a truly transformative space requires all of these conditions to coexist?

 

Moving Beyond a Single Concept

What if we create a powerful collective space—one that holds safety, bravery, accountability, transparency, care, and agency all at once? A living space that reflects the humanity in the room, rather than a static model imposed on it.

Because:

  • Safety gives us the grounding to stay present.
  • Bravery allows us to speak truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.
  • Accountability ensures we remain in relationship, even through conflict.
  • Transparency and agency allow people to participate not as passive attendees, but as co-creators of the process.

 

This is not a checklist, it’s a practice of shared power.

 

A Relational Practice: Needs and Offerings

One of the most transformative tools I’ve used to build this kind of collective space is the Needs and Offerings exercise, something I first experienced with the Community Justice Initiative in Kitchener-Waterloo.

We begin with two simple questions:

  • What do you need in order to show up well in this space?
  • What can you offer to help others do the same?

 

People reflect and share (if they choose), and together we create a living agreement, not a list of rules, but a relational map that reflects who is in the room and what supports our shared humanity.

Some responses often include:

  • Listening with empathy
  • Naming when I feel activated
  • Offering humour and gentleness
  • Taking breaks for regulation
  • Practicing humility “I only know what I know”
  • Respecting confidentiality—stories stay, lessons leave
  • Curiosity over judgment
  • Calling in' instead of 'calling out'

 

It is real. It is personal. It is collective. And it shifts the entire dynamic of the space.

What Changes When We Co-Create the Space?

The group becomes the container Instead of the facilitator holding all the responsibility, the group holds it together. Shared responsibility leads to shared investment.

 

Needs can be named without shame Naming needs is not seen as weakness, it’s seen as wisdom and an act of courage. It builds empathy and trust.

 

Power becomes visible rather than assumed Marginalized voices are not expected to adapt to a dominant norm. They are invited to shape the space.

 

Each room becomes unique There’s no one-size-fits-all model. The space is created by the group and for the group.

 

A Space Beyond Labels

Rather than chasing the “right” kind of space - safe, brave, or accountable - what if we created a relational space that can hold all of it? A space that is dynamic, alive, and co-created in real time based on the people who are there and what they need to engage fully and authentically.

 

This is the heart of transformative practice. Not control. Not performance. But relationship.

 

What if the most powerful thing we can build together is a space where safety allows us to stay, bravery allows us to speak, accountability allows us to stay in relationship, and our shared humanity allows us to transform?

 

When we do that, we move beyond managing a room. We step into collective creation. And that’s where real learning, healing, and change begin.

 

If you’d like a copy of the Needs and Offerings list I use to spark these discussions, feel free to reach out and I’d be happy to send it to you.

 

If this post sparked something for you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Share them on this post, explore more on The Love in Revolution Blog at Conflict Revolution, or connect with me directly at julie@conflictrevolution.ca.

 

*This is an updated version of a previous article*

 

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