Getting to No: Unlocking the Power of Our Differences
By Julie Hrdlicka | Conflict Revolution

Most of us have heard of Getting to Yes, the book that helped popularize the idea that the goal of conflict and negotiation is to find agreement. And sure, agreement has its place. But in my experience, what’s often more powerful, more honest, and more transformative… is getting to no.

Getting to no doesn’t mean shutting down or being oppositional. It means getting clear.

It means noticing and naming where we actually differ in our needs, our values, our lived experience and being willing to sit with that. To learn from it. To let it guide us forward.

Getting to no helps us get to know each other in a deeper, more honest way.

When we slow things down and make space to really understand someone else’s perspective, especially when it’s different from our own, it shifts something. We may not agree, but we begin to see them differently. With more curiosity. More context. More care.

That clarity helps us make decisions that actually reflect our values and boundaries, not decisions based on assumptions, pressure, or the need to smooth things over.

In today’s world, we’re so often told that peace means finding common ground. And while that can feel good in the moment, it can also come at a cost.

When we rush to agreement:

• We often find ourselves back in conflict again, because we didn’t deal with the real stuff.

• We miss the nuance like tone, body language, power dynamics, histories of harm that live underneath the surface.

• And we overlook what the conflict might actually be trying to teach us  about ourselves, each other and the world around us. 

Sometimes, when we solely focus only on what we have in common, we unintentionally erase what’s different. And that difference, while sometimes uncomfortable, matters.

As writer and activist, Sonya Renee Taylor says:

“When we say we don’t see color, what we are truly saying is, ‘I don’t want to see the things about you that are different because society has told me they are dangerous or undesirable.’ … Rendering difference invisible validates the notion that there are parts of us that should be ignored, hidden, or minimized.”

I see this all the time in my work. People say, “Let’s not make it a big deal,” or “Let’s move on,” because sitting in the tension feels hard. But avoiding difference in the name of keeping the peace does not actually create peace. It keeps us stuck.

It can be especially hard for people in dominant groups to name and sit with difference. It brings up shame. It brings up histories we’d rather not look at. But ignoring it doesn’t make it disappear. It allows inequity and harm to continue and gets in the way of real, meaningful connection.

As john a. powell from the Othering and Belonging Institute puts it:

“We can overcome the illusion of separateness by honouring our differences, transcending the notion that differences divide and instead create a world where everyone belongs.”

Finding common ground matters, and getting to yes can feel like progress,  but it’s often getting to no, and really understanding what’s underneath it, that helps us grow the most.

Conflict doesn’t have to be a problem to solve. It can be a space for reflection, learning, and transformation. It takes courage. It takes honesty. And it takes a willingness to get a little uncomfortable. But that’s where the good stuff lives.

That’s where we build relationships that are real. That’s where we get to show up for ourselves and for each other in a way that’s rooted, clear, and alive.

 

Supporting Resources

Living with No: Political Polarization and Transformative Dialogue by Eric Cleven, Robert Baruch Bush and Judy Saul

The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor

The Power of Bridging by john a. powell