Welcome To Conflict Revolution

Conflict Is Relational: Reclaiming Connection in a Transactional World

By Julie Hrdlicka

In today’s dominant culture, we’ve been taught to treat conflict like a problem to be solved. Get to agreement. Reach a compromise. Find a solution. And quickly, please.

But what if this outcome-obsessed view is actually making conflict harder, not easier? What if it’s narrowing our possibilities, stifling our creativity, and cutting us off from the deeper purpose of conflict altogether?

The truth is: conflict is not just about resolution—it’s about relationship.
 And remembering this truth requires us to unlearn the colonial lens we've inherited and reconnect with more relational, grounded ways of being with each other.

The Colonial Frame: Control, Transaction, and “Resolution”

Much of the Western approach to conflict is rooted in colonialist values—efficiency, control, and individual gain. Conflict, in this view, becomes a negotiation for power: who’s right, who gets what, and how fast can we “move on.”

But that’s not neutral. In spaces where dominant culture shapes the process—whether in workplaces, governance, or mediation—this often means that those in power write the script and win in the end. Their logic, language, and goals become the standard, while other ways of knowing and relating are pushed to the margins.

We see this clearly in the historical (and ongoing) treaty process in Canada.

“The written text expresses only the government of Canada’s view of the treaty relationship: it does not embody the negotiated agreement.”
 —Sharon H. Venne, Understanding Treaty 6: An Indigenous Perspective

Treaties were never meant to be contracts. For Indigenous nations, they were relational agreements—rooted in kinship, reciprocity, and care for the land. They were about shared responsibility, not land ownership. But colonial forces imposed a transactional framework, distorting treaties into tools of dispossession and control.

“As Indigenous peoples, we understand that each time we take from the land, we give back to the land… Treaties were never about buying and selling land. Rather, they were about kinship.”
 —Carlie Kane, Canadian Museum for Human Rights, Module 3: Honouring Truth

When We Lose Relationship, We Lose Ourselves

Colonialism didn’t just rewrite treaties—it reshaped how we see ourselves and each other. It stripped away practices that helped people reflect, relate, and stay human together.

Practices like sweat lodges and tipis were not just “cultural expressions”—they were relational spaces. Places where communities gathered to listen, debate, grieve, and make meaning of conflict. These were sites of emotional regulation, deep reflection, and shared understanding. When those were banned or erased, so too were the relational technologies that allowed people to be with conflict in healthy and connected ways.

And what replaced them? Courtrooms. Boardrooms. Treaties as contracts. Mediation as negotiation. Solutions measured by how much each individual can “get” out of the deal.

It’s no wonder so many of us struggle in conflict today. We’ve been socialized to view it as something to win or avoid, not something to be with. We've lost our collective muscle for sitting in the discomfort of difference, listening deeply, and staying in relationship even when it's hard.

Conflict as a Path Back to Relationship

We need to return to the wisdom that conflict is not a detour from relationship—it is part of relationship. It’s where growth happens. Where people are seen more fully. Where we learn, stretch, and build trust—not just through agreement, but through honest engagement.

Relational conflict recognizes that:

  • We are interconnected—to each other, to land, to story, and to history.

  • Conflict doesn’t need to be “solved” to be meaningful. It can be held, explored, and witnessed.

  • True dialogue isn’t about finding the middle; it’s about understanding and honoring difference.

  • Healing conflict isn’t about quick fixes. It’s about repairing connection and restoring dignity.

What This Means for Our Practice

If we want to do conflict differently—whether as facilitators, leaders, educators, or simply as humans—then we need to reorient ourselves away from solutions and toward relationship.

That means asking different questions:

  • Not “How do we resolve this?” but “What is this conflict asking of us?”

  • Not “What’s the compromise?” but “What is the quality of our relationship?”

  • Not “How do we move on?” but “How do we stay human together through this?”

It also means making space for the practices that dominant systems have devalued or erased: story, ceremony, slowness, collective reflection, and connection to land. These aren’t “extras”—they’re essential.

A Final Word: Remembering What We Already Know

Conflict doesn’t need to be feared or rushed. It can be a place of possibility, where new relationships, insights, and ways of being emerge.

When we treat conflict as relational—not just transactional—we honor the fullness of what it means to be human. We honor the wisdom of Indigenous and community-rooted cultures who’ve never lost sight of this truth.

And we remember that conflict is not the opposite of connection—it is one of its most powerful expressions.

© 2024 Conflict Revolution
Powered by Webador