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Survival: How conflict can reconnect us to our mammalia side

Why Fight, Flight, and Freeze Aren’t Just About Trauma

By Julie Hrdlicka

We often hear about fight, flight, or freeze in the context of trauma. But these responses aren’t exclusive to those who have experienced trauma. They are biological threat responses—hardwired into our nervous system as mammals. And they show up in conflict, in conversations, and in everyday moments more than we realize.

Understanding this can shift how we see ourselves and others—not as broken or “overreacting,” but as human.

Survival Is Our First Language

At our core, as mammals, survival is our top priority. When we feel scared, overwhelmed, or unsure, our nervous system kicks in automatically to protect us. That might look like yelling, avoiding, shutting down, or even physically reacting in ways that surprise us.

This is our threat response—not necessarily trauma.

Not all of us are traumatized, but all of us have felt threatened. And our bodies will always prioritize safety over connection, even in a boardroom, a family dinner, or a disagreement with a friend.

What Is Trauma, Then?

Trauma is not the event. It’s what happens inside of you as a result of the event.

Dr. Bruce Perry emphasizes three essential trauma factors:

  1. Timing – At what stage of development did it occur?

  2. Intensity – Was it a single experience or repeated over time?

  3. Buffering – Were there people who could explain it, hold you, or help you feel safe?

Dr. Peter Levine adds that trauma often results from facing overwhelming experiences without the presence of an empathetic, attuned witness.

In other words, the same event may be traumatic for one person and not for another. It’s deeply personal—and it impacts our threat responses differently.

Types of Trauma to Be Aware Of

Understanding trauma's complexity helps us recognize how it may be shaping our reactions in conflict:

  • Acute Trauma – A single, sudden event (e.g., car accident, natural disaster).

  • Developmental Trauma – Chronic, often relational harm during key developmental years (e.g., abuse, neglect).

  • Preconscious/Precognitive Trauma – From in utero to 18 months old, including birth trauma.

  • Intergenerational Trauma – Passed through family lines; inherited patterns of fear and coping.

  • Collective Trauma – Shared experiences such as war, systemic racism, pandemics, or displacement.

Polyvagal Theory: A Map for the Nervous System

Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, gives us a science-backed way to understand how we respond to stress. It describes three states of the nervous system:

  1. Ventral Vagal (Safe & Social): Calm, curious, connected. We’re open, regulated, and able to engage with others.

  2. Sympathetic (Fight or Flight): Activated, defensive, mobilized. We’re ready to argue, run, or resist.

  3. Dorsal Vagal (Freeze or Shut Down): Numb, disconnected, collapsed. We retreat inward and lose access to connection or clarity.

In conflict, we often bounce between these states—sometimes within minutes.

The Window of Tolerance: Your Nervous System’s Comfort Zone

Coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, the “Window of Tolerance” refers to the zone where we can handle stress without being overwhelmed.

When we’re in our window, we can think clearly, stay present, and respond rather than react. When we’re outside of it, we move into hyperarousal (anxious, agitated) or hypoarousal (numb, shut down).

Understanding this helps us notice:
"Oh—I’m not just being irrational or dramatic. My nervous system is trying to protect me."

Conflict Isn’t Just a Communication Problem

When we’re in conflict, we often think we just need better tools or better words. But communication starts in the body. If we don’t feel safe, we can’t connect.

We may lash out, avoid, or freeze—not because we want to escalate the situation, but because our system is yelling, “I’m not safe.”

The culture we live in rarely makes space for these physiological truths. It tells us to “stay calm,” “be professional,” or “not take things personally.” But our bodies know better. They keep score.

What You Can Do: Expand Your Window of Tolerance

If we want to respond differently in conflict, we must work with—not against—our nervous system. Here are a few ways to gently expand your capacity:

1. Notice the Signs

Start by identifying when you’re shifting out of your window. Do your legs get heavy? Does your voice tighten? Awareness is the first step.

2. Practice Regulation

  • Breathing exercises (inhale through the nose, exhale slowly through the mouth)

  • Grounding techniques (feel your feet, describe your surroundings)

  • Vagal toning (humming, singing, gargling)

  • Movement (walk, stretch, shake it out)

3. Build Safe Connection

Safe, attuned relationships help bring us back into the ventral vagal state. These can be friendships, therapy, community spaces—or simply people who listen without trying to fix.

4. Reflect After Conflict

Ask yourself:

  • What was happening in my body?

  • What did I feel under threat by?

  • What could I do next time to stay regulated?

Reclaiming Ourselves in a Fear-Based Culture

We live in a world that keeps us in survival mode—always alert, always bracing. Social media, political polarization, productivity culture—they pull us out of connection and into defense.

But we don’t have to stay there.

Conflict doesn’t have to be a battlefield. It can be a place of insight, healing, and even connection—if we understand what’s happening beneath the surface.

We are not just thinking beings. We are sensing, reacting, surviving beings. The more we understand that, the more compassion we can bring—to ourselves and to each other.

Julie Hrdlicka
Conflict mediator, facilitator, and founder of Conflict Revolution
Helping people navigate conflict with more clarity, connection, and capacity.

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