We often think conflict is about solving a problem or winning an argument. But in reality, conflict is rarely about the issue itself, it’s about how present we are in the moment. How aware are we of our own reactions? How fully can we see the person in front of us? And how do we create the space to respond thoughtfully, rather than reacting automatically?

These are the questions that guide the work I do with teams, boards, and organizations.

When I work with groups, much of our time is spent learning how to be with each other through both comfort and discomfort. Not everyone experiences these moments the same way. What feels overwhelming or threatening to one person might feel manageable or even energizing to someone else.

Because of this, the work often begins with something simple but not always easy: getting to know ourselves better. How do we tend to show up in conflict? What happens in our bodies and our thinking when tensions rise? And how have the systems around us i.e. our workplaces, families, cultures, and institutions shaped the way we respond?

Understanding these patterns matters if we want to work together in ways that actually lead to meaningful change.

Yet all too often, when groups come together in conflict, the focus immediately shifts to fixing the problem. People want to reach agreement. Find compromise. Move forward.

Those things can be important, but if we rush straight to outcomes, we often miss what matters most. The way we are present with each other in conflict matters just as much as the outcome and sometimes more.

As Valarie Kaur reminds us, “The way we make change is just as important as the change we make.”

In my experience, one of the most important questions in conflict isn’t about the issue being debated. The deeper question is this:

What gets in the way of truly seeing the person in front of us?

Because when we are fully present, everything changes.

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Conflict Coma: Losing Presence

This is where something I call conflict coma often shows up.

Conflict coma happens when we stop consciously choosing how to respond and start reacting automatically. Someone says something that lands badly. Maybe it feels dismissive, unfair, or even hostile. Our body tightens. Our thoughts race. Before we know it, we’re defending ourselves, shutting down, pushing back, or preparing our counterargument.

In those moments, we’re not really present anymore. We’re running on old patterns—habits shaped by past experiences, fears, and learned ways of protecting ourselves.

And when that happens, the person in front of us can stop feeling like a person. They start to look more like a problem, an opponent, or a threat.

Instead of listening to understand, we start preparing to respond. We interrupt, withdraw, escalate, or try to prove our point. The conversation stops being about presence and understanding, and starts becoming about winning, protecting ourselves, or avoiding discomfort.

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Waking Up: Choosing Presence

The good news is that we can wake up from conflict coma.

The first step is curiosity and awareness.

Curiosity becomes possible when we remember something important: the other person is not us. They have their own experiences, pressures, fears, and histories shaping what they are saying. At the same time, we still have agency. We get to decide how we respond—and presence is our choice.

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A Reflection

Think about a recent moment of conflict in your life.

When did you first notice your body reacting? What emotion showed up most strongly? Did you feel the urge to defend yourself, withdraw, or push back?

Looking back, can you see a moment where you might have slipped into conflict coma?

Now imagine pausing in that moment and asking yourself one simple question:

What might be happening for this person right now?

That question won’t solve the conflict—but it might wake you up.

And sometimes waking up is the first step toward being fully present with the human being in front of us again. And that’s not easy work.

It requires noticing when fear is driving our reactions. It asks us to stay present when our instinct might be to withdraw or fight back. And it invites us to remain curious about another person even when the conversation feels uncomfortable.

But within that challenge is also an opportunity.

Every moment of conflict holds the possibility of waking up and choosing presence. When we begin to notice what is happening in our bodies and minds, even for a brief moment, we create a small opening. In that opening, we can pause, take a breath, and remember that we have a choice in how we respond.

That pause can shift the direction of a conversation. Instead of reacting automatically, we can become curious. Instead of seeing an opponent, we can begin to see the human being in front of us again.

These moments may seem small, but they matter. Each time we wake up from conflict coma, we strengthen our capacity to remain present with ourselves and others in difficult conversations.

This is the challenge.

And it is also the opportunity.

Ultimately, conflict isn’t about the issue, it’s about presence: noticing our patterns, choosing curiosity, and staying grounded in the moment so that every interaction can deepen understanding, strengthen connection, and honor the human being in front of us.

 

Image https://www.dreamstime.com/stock-illustration-d-conflict-dispute-people-rendering-man-talking-other-person-fingers-his-ears-pose-not-listening-image53908949